Tips for Parents

Assisting Emotionally Distressed Students

Students who are having emotional problems often approach faculty and staff for help. Centenary's Counseling Services developed and emailed a guide to faculty and staff that provides helpful information about identifying and assisting students who are experiencing problems on a personal level. The guide also is available on Counseling Services' website (in the top left hand corner).

Director of Counseling Services, Tina Feldt, shared: "Centenary is a caring community. Thanks to all faculty and staff who have taken the time to work with our students who have faced challenges in their personal lives."

Questions? Please contact Tina at 318-869-5466 or 318-869-5424.

Managing Feelings of Grief

Centenary's Director of Counseling Services, Tina Feldt, offers the following to the Centenary Family as we grieve for the loss of our friend Matthew Campbell (DOB 10/22/92; DOD 2/3/08), son of Facilities Coordinator Francine Campbell. Questions? Please contact Tina Feldt at 318-869-5466 or 318-869-5424.

With the death of Matthew Campbell we have experienced a great loss. The death of a child is an unimaginable experience for a parent and we, as a community that supported the Campbell family, may also be experiencing emotions associated with grief. Grief can be like the waves in the ocean – at times it may seem like we are struggling to keep our heads above water, while at other times, the water simply swirls around our feet as a reminder of our loss. Whatever your experience, we all grieve in our own way and in our own time. Anger, sadness, fear and even relief are all common reactions to a loss.

Managing our own emotions while trying to support one of our own can be challenging. The following suggestions may be helpful to you.

  • Embrace your emotions. Feelings are an indication that Matthew and his family mean something to us. All emotions are part of the human experience. Even anger and fear have their place.
  • Acknowledge your contribution. Many of you played a role in helping Matthew and his family. Whether you gave of your time, wrote a check or kept him in your thoughts and/or prayers, all contributions are important no matter how big or small – remember that.
  • The Campbell family still needs your help. While Matthew’s earthly race has ended (as Betsy so aptly phrased it), his family is just beginning their journey of life without Matthew by their side. Continue to provide support and avoid giving them advice.
  • There are no perfect words of comfort, but “I’m sorry” or “I’m thinking of you” or a heartfelt hug can be helpful. In the days, weeks and months ahead, talk to Francine about Matthew – refer to him by name, recall a memory. Sure, there may be sadness in the moment, but loved ones experience great comfort in knowing that you haven’t forgotten and that you still care.
  • Offer specific assistance. Often we say: “Let me know if I can do anything to help” rare is the person who will take you up on the offer. Find out what is needed and offer assistance. Grieving parents frequently feel isolated – call and ask about a good time to meet for coffee or go for a walk.
  • Do something. How we cope with loss is personal to each of us, but a common reaction is the desire to do something – we are just not sure what we should do. Doing something gives us direction. Whether it is food, cards or prayers do what is most comfortable for you, but do something – you’ll feel better too. Consider a contribution to the scholarship fund. It is one way in which this family is asking us for specific help to memorialize their son. It gives meaning to our/their loss.
  • Whatever you do – do it intentionally. If you choose to pray/reflect/meditate, envision the peace it may bring. If you donate, visualize the potential your contribution may have in the future. If you want to call or write do so knowing your efforts will bring comfort.

When College Students Come Home

Author: Western Kentucky University's Counseling Office, 2006

Centenary's Director of Counseling Services, Tina Feldt, recommends the following article to parents regarding preparing for and dealing with students returning home for the holidays. Questions? Please contact Tina Feldt at 318-869-5466 or 318-869-5424.

It may seem like yesterday you were helping your son or daughter move in a residence hall or apartment. Maybe you were worried and offered a prayer to the powers that be for your child to have a successful semester. Now the semester is coming to an end and a new challenge faces you; he or she is coming home.

For most families the return of a student for the holidays can be a fun time to catch up on what everyone has been doing and to admire how your son or daughter is becoming more independent and mature. For some families, however, the holidays can become difficult times with parents and children fighting about control and respect. Children may want the same independence they had at school and parents may want the same dependence the children had in high school. Each may see the others demand as unreasonable and disrespectful.

Hopefully college students and parents will keep in mind that holidays are about family and not who has the power. Each should be open to making changes in their plans for the holiday to maintain the connections of family.

Recommendations for parents

  • If you want to be seen as an admirable parent, act like one. Greeting your son or daughter at the door with a list of rules, demands, or criticisms are not admirable behaviors.
  • Understand that while you are important, you have always been there for your sons and daughters, so it is natural for them to want to see friends first. Don’t get in the way of visits with friends, but let your son or daughter know you want to spend time with them too. You might even plan a meal or activity that includes friends.
  • Don’t think the old rules need to stay in place, and try to avoid the temptation to pamper or baby your sons and daughters. If you clean up after them they will come to expect it. True, they may need a day or two to unwind and catch up on sleep, but they are more mature now so let them show off. There is nothing wrong with a curfew, but talk about it first. If you did a good job raising them, then they will be able to handle bigger responsibilities. One suggestion is to skip the curfew time but ask that they let you know where they will be and have them call if they change their plans. Your son or daughter cannot grow up if you keep a tight leash.
  • Understand that from this point on your relationship with your children should be based on mutual respect, not control. Your children are most likely worried that you think they are not mature, and they may have annoying ways of showing you they can handle themselves. Respect them and show them they turned out okay.
  • All children will seem a bit different when they come home, but severe changes could indicate that something is wrong. Find a quiet time to talk with your child, tell him or her what you are seeing that is different and ask what has happened over the semester. Your son or daughter may think he or she should handle problems without your help. None of us get through life on our own. Even parents need to talk to their parents. Keep your questions short; don’t ask for details just help your son or daughter get the words out.
  • Take some time before everyone gets together in the same room and think about what you want to do over the holidays. Don’t try to plan it all at once, but take a nice, calm, and slow start at hearing what everyone wants to do. You might want to sit down with some snacks, or a meal, and make some lists of all the possibilities and options, take a break, finish the meal, and then come back to the list later on.
  • Be sure to plan some time when everyone is together and do plan some time to be apart. Mom and Dad need their husband and wife time, sons and daughters need their time with friends. Everyone could probably use some private time too.

We have talked a bit about coming home, so we should probably talk some about going back to school. Leaving for college can stir up strong emotions of excitement and sadness. Parents and kids alike may have trouble saying good-bye. It is hard for a son or daughter to be excited about being in college if Mom or Dad is sobbing at the door as the car pulls out of the drive. But kids do like to know they are missed. This is a good time for families to start giving hugs if they have not done so before. Your son or daughter needs to know you admire them no matter how old he or she is. All of us are more willing to take risks if we know we have a safety net. Parents have been and may continue to be the safety net for children in college, but guess what, college students can now begin to be safety nets for parents.

This is a time of great excitement and anxiety for parents and college students. Celebrate both emotions; they go well together.